Love Stinks
by TheBooksofEli
Summary: Ah...romance. It's Valentine's Day, love is in the air, it's the time of the season for loving, blah, blah, blah. It still doesn't change the fact that Mordecai and Rigby want to sit this one out. But can Margaret and Eileen help with that? We'll see...
1. Chapter 1 - Pedals Picked

**Chapter 1 - Pedals Picked**

"She loves me... she loves me not...She loves me...she loves me not...she loves me, or,.. she thinks I'm an egoistic prick." Rigby stared into his rose, picking off pedal by pedal.

"What's up? You didn't seem too happy at ALL this week," Mordecai interrupted.

"Oh, it's nothing bad, it's just - ever since I met Eileen, back in high school, I've always had a crush on her." He finished, sipping periodically into a coffee mug.

"Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses, but don't sweat it, I've kind of been having the same problem, dude. I mean, I've always thought that there was more to us too than just out of the friend zone."

Rigby picked up the conversation where they left off. "You know what?..I'm just gonna sit this one out. You remember that one Valentine's Day last year?

* * *

_**Meanwhile...at the Coffee Shop...**_

* * *

"He loves me... he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he wants to engage in a symbiotic, mutual-respective relationship with me, or,.. he thinks I'm a condescending know-it-all." Eileen stared into her rose, picking off pedal by pedal.

"What's up? You didn't seem too happy at ALL this week," Margaret interrupted.

"Oh, it's nothing bad, it's just - ever since I met Rigby, back in high school, I've always thought he's been avoiding me." She finished, sipping periodically into a coffee mug.

"Well, that's new. Last I checked girls played hard-to-get." They both laughed profusely. "Yeah, he's always been a bit of a wuss, but don't sweat it; I've kind of been having the same problem with Mordecai. I mean, I've always thought that there was more to us than just out of the friend zone."

Eileen picked up the conversation where they left off. "I know, right? You remember that one Valentine's Day last year?"


	2. Chapter 2 - Heartache Tonight

**Chapter 2 - Heartache Tonight  
**

2 Years Ago, 9:30 PM

* * *

"Get up! Dude! We'll have to leave any minute!" Mordecai could hardly wait to meet the love of his at a Valentine's Day Party at the local college dorms.

"College girls are TOTALLY OVERRATED, MORDECAI." Rigby was resting on the house couch playing Dig Champs. "There's no point in going to their lame Valentine's Day party!"

"Well, let's make a bet."

"Ok...I bet YOUR girl-"

"OUR girls, Rigby, don't you remember our online chat?"

"That's another thing, Mordecai. You don't meet girls online. Besides, they're probably both 2 lonely old people."

"No, brainless, you heard them in the voice call chat, they're a couple of awesome chicks."

"They're a couple of awesome LIARS!" Rigby corrected with undivided attention to the screen. "They sounded like voice recordings of REAL women...ALL OF ITS SMOKE AND MIRRORS!"

Mordecai punched Rigby in the stomach to steal his attention!"

"What the h is your problem?"

"I said...BET."

"Ok, ok, I was just getting started, geesh! I **BET** - happy...I bet they're all just playing us for saps - oh, and $20 says I'm right."

"And **I **bet you 20 good ones they're a couple of wonderful ladies we've got a chance with. Now GET UP and get ready NOW because Muscle Man is driving us."

"Fine by me just put me down!" Rigby raced on his hands and feet up the stairs mumbling accusations as he went.

"Mordecai - gol-ly he's got his head in the clouds! I'll show him Valentine's Day is just a bunch of over-commercialized crap in a box of chocolates!"

The cart's horn was ringing outside, Rigby was still adjusting his white collar when he heard it.

"Give the man some time to dress, at least!" He yelled to no one and ran downstairs. Mordecai was waiting for him with a bouquet of flowers for Rigby, he handed them to him and unveiled the pièce de résistance — a special diamond locket.

"This night **has** to perfect. Don't blow it for me, Rigby."

"What? OUR night!"

"Joking..." Mordecai rolled his eyes.

"**COME ON, GRANDMAS! THIS MAN'S GOT FACE TO SUCK!" **Mordecaialmost clearly heard Muscle Man call from outside mixed with David Bowie's 'Golden Years' stuck in his head.

"Ladies first," Mordecai joked.

"Oh, shut up, will ya?" Rigby retorted.

10:03 PM

* * *

At the apartment complex, finally, Mordecai checked the address given on the slip of paper for clarification and hopped out with Rigby.

"Meet back here at 11:30 _sharp_. I probably will be late, **depending on if I get anywhere from first to third BASE, LOSERS!" **Muscle Man laughed uncontrollably and finished the sick remark - "You know who else liked to hit singles to triples on Valentine's Day?"

"Your mom?"

"No man - Ty Cobb. Why does EVERYBODY assume its my mom? She can't even STAND!** Later, desperados**! **WOO-OOH!**" Muscle Man sped up along the road.

They walked up the metal staircase to Suite 21, they could almost hear the music - Tom Petty's 'American Girl'! 3 knocks on the door later, a tipsy, drunk college girl opened the door.

"We're here to party with Mordeline and Riggy, they chatted with us a few days ago." The girl at the door was completely aloof.

"Hoo er you - mmp! Oh, I knows hoo you mean...hey-uh! They're heyr!" She muddled off in her best attempt. "Jus a minit.."

Mordeline and Riggy, both the same colors and species, walked confusedly to the door, Mordeline tucked loose blonde hair into her backwards trucker hat and Riggy sniffed herself for fear of party stench and pushed her red hair to one side; but were both deceived when they realized it was them. They cackled upon arrival.

"Oh-**hahahahahhaha**!" They broke the awkward with restraint laughter, "YOU LOSERS ACTUALLY CAME!-**hahahahahaha!**"

Mordecai, the most puzzled of them both, spoke up: "WHAT?"

"You - y'all ACTUALLY thought we'd fall for a couple low-lifes like you two - that's pathetic!"

Riggy stole the chance to say, "**And lame!**"

**"HEY, HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! YOU GIRLS INVITED US SO WHAT'S THE DEAL!"** Rigby spoke above the noise.

"The deal?.. The deal is - you two are gullible suckers, we're already in relationships too. So what you were invited?"

"No one wants you here!" Riggy made an evil smile.

"And to think - y'all would be our "soul mates", what a bunch of crap! Beat it, trash!" Mordeline returned to the roasting.

"And while you're at it,** get a degree! - hahahahahahaha!" **Riggy insulted last, and they both walked away.

Rigby dropped the roses with actual perplexity - he really did care about Riggy - and now he's figured out they were a sham.

Before turning home, the door creaked open and the music was heard more clearly - Jimi Hendrix's 'Foxey Lady'.

"What...the?"

Out of the door, a feathery red hand held on to the doorknob, her beak and the edges of her body peeking out till she was completely seen in the doorway - it was a scarlet-colored robin sporting a bleach white tank-top and cut-off jeans.

"Oh hey! Mordecai! Youre still here!..Sorry about them, they're a couple of loose cannons."

"Oh we're fine, well, I am at least." Rigby butted in.

"Oh hey, Rigby. Yeah, they were never the best people - I mean no one is ideally, but - thanks for coming guys. Still wanna stay?"

"No thanks. We were just - just..." Mordecai was stuttering with anxiety.

"We were just stopping by, we have to go anyways." Rigby added.

Eileen stepped out to the threshold. "Oh, hey Rigby! Come 'ere!" Eileen went in for a hug, but ultimately made it awkward for the both of them, but at least they managed to exchange fragrances.

"Right. Um...see ya later." Margaret turned to the door.

"W-Wait! Remind me your name!"

"Margaret. Margaret Smith. I work at the coffee shop downtown. Stop by some time. Oh, and Rigby, you've gotta meet Eileen sometime, she's amazing. Well,..nite."

"Nite!" They said together.

Down at the cart, Muscle Man's clothes were rippled and wrinkled and his fave careers by lipstick. As they stepped into the cart, Mordecai harbored the Eagles' 'Desperado' in the back of his head - heartbroken, yet comforted at the same time.

2 Years Later, Present Day, 11:06 AM

* * *

The flashback ended.

"And that's why I don't do Valentine's Day for lady pecks."

* * *

_**Meanwhile...at the Coffee Shop...**_

* * *

The flashback ended.

"So, what was so bad about that?" Margaret asked.

"Absolutely nothing." Eileen veered off and spoke softly to herself, hoping Margaret wouldn't listen. "I just wish I could keep his cologne on me."

"But that WAS a pretty awkward hug."

"Yeah, I hope that doesn't put a damper in our relationship." Eileen looked off in the distance again.

* * *

**_Back at the house..._**

* * *

"That was SUCH an awkward hug." Rigby rested his heads in his palms, feeling pity for Eileen for no particular reason.


	3. Chapter 3 - Game Plan

**Chapter 3 - Game Plan**

"Aw come on, you can't frame a day by a memory!"

"I know! But it's just sooooo...overrated! Weren't you listening at all?"

"This year'll be different!"

"I give up on Valentines Day! _Love stinks! _The last pedal was a "Love-me-not" anyway!"

"A flower's not gonna tell the future."

_"You're a flower!"_

_"Don't call me the flower, flower!"_

_"Says the flower that can't hold a girl."_

_"Yeah, the one next the flower that hasn't kissed a girl!"_

_"Woah, woah, woah! I've kissed plenty of girls in my time, fully and un-fully clothed!"_

_"Your mom doesn't count."_

_"STOP TALKING!" _Rigby jumped onto Mordecai with intentions of scratching him to death.

_"Get off, dude!" _Mordecai threw him off of his head and onto the couch. "LOOK AT US! We're fighting over a FLOWER. Look, we're NOT sitting on the couch tonight with another soap opera. In fact, I have a plan."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Listen..." Mordecai whispered an ingenious plan to Rigby.

"Ok. It's a plan. How long have you been planning this?"

"2 years ago."

"WOW...you must've been some loser back then."

"Shut it, Rigby. This is serious. I planned it so whatever happened that night 2 years ago would never happen again."

"Hmm-hmm-hmm! Sounds like the perfect cock-blocker. Trust me, if you want a lady at their knees for you - and I mean LITERALLY AT THEIR KNEES, then you gotta push the limits."

"It's not a cock-blocker, **and grow up!** We're not trying to seduce them, we're pulling a decent, loverboy card out of this deck. It's all in the bag!"

"Well you're obviously bluffing with a bad hand. This scheme's got 'crash-and-burn' written all over it. And I hope "bag" means "fire", as in 'out of the frying pan et cetera, et cetera'."

"I quote Dark Helmet: "What's the matter, Colonel Sanders, chicken?"" [For those that are fans of Spaceballs]

"ALRIGHT, you talked me into it." Rigby sassed. "I will admit, the Rick Moranis gig was a wise move. But you still haven't payed me from that bet 2 years ago."

"If tonight goes AS PLANNED, you can rest assured, you'll get your money, and more."


	4. Chapter 4 - You've GOT To Be Kidding Me!

**Chapter 4 - You've GOT To Be Kidding Me!**

"The mall? Rigby asked reluctantly.

"Yes, the mall."

"What can the mall **_possibly_ **give us that we don't already have."

"Flowers - scratch that - a bouquet, candy, cologne, and clothing."

"We don't wear clothing?"

"I mean, it'll give us the right clothing...the kind you don't spare any expense on."

"From the mall?" Rigby chuckled to himself.

"I don't see **your** bright ideas."

"I have TONS of those, they're just not for Valentine's Day."

"Like that one time you managed to set Benson's apartment on fire, or what about that time you drove that bus full of high-school kids into the orphanage, or how about that time you Death Kicked that elderly woman on that segway and she ended up in the obituaries - THAT ONE was hard to cover up."

"Yeah, that didn't end well. Still, I'm a born thinker."

"And idiot."

**"SHUT UP!"**

* * *

_**5 minutes and one round of rock-paper-scissors later...**_

* * *

"I can't believe you're making me do this! No, **no way!"**

"I mean it, Rigby. You lost the rock-paper-scissors, now, try them on."

"I'M NOT TRYING THESE ON YOU SICK CHODE!"

"**I **won, **you **lost. There's no backing out, loser. You still owe me that solid from last time."

"Since when?"

"Uh...nevermind. Just go in, try it on, come out, and it'll be all fine. I won't look."

"This is stupid. _**Nobody**_ buys these as a Valentine's gift, that's just wrong!"

"But these are the only size that fits her."

"How would you know what fits her?"

"I don't. I guessed. But we'll find out won't we?" Mordecai slipped the secret clothes into Rigby's hands.

"I'm **NOT** about to cross dress for you."

"It's not for me; and it looks like you don't have a choice!" Mordecai whispered and pushed him forward to the men's fitting rooms.

"Alright. But only out of brospect." Mordecai saw the vacant turn occupied and laughed as he approached the dressing room with a camera., snapping away.

**"Aw! You sick pervert! I was getting undressed!"**

"Haha - get out of there, man."

"With pleasure." Rigby blushed from the recently — gained attention around him.

"You bonehead. You actually thought I'd get her those? I was just screwing with you, dude, and I screwed you over something fierce."

"Yeah, you're a real funny fag, you know that? Considering you were just taking pics of me in panties and in the buff!"

"Chill out, dude, it was only a prank. One - Victoria's Secret has WAY overpriced underwear and two - I just wanted to see if you'd actually do it."

**"BROSPECT! REMEMBER! Now you've lost it all! Congratulations!"**

"I'm still gonna keep these pics."

"Of course you would. You also gonna touch yourself to them?"

"NOW you've crossed the line."

"Have I? When's the last time you've tried on tight-fitting Victoria's Secret panties?"

"Never. Look, I'll just make it up to you later. We're running out of time."

At that time, they both left the scene and walked on to the other shops around. Unbeknownst to them, they shoplifted the whole bag of clothing and walked right on out of the shop - alarming the shop-owner.


	5. Chapter 5 - Behind The Scenes

**Chapter 5 - Behind The Scenes**

"That took forever."

"Just calm down, Rigby, it was only 10 minutes."

"Yeah, but I couldn't stand that the whole mall had Miley's 'Adore You' on repeat."

"It wasn't that bad."

"Whatever. What else do we need?"

Mordecai peered into the bags of clothes. "Gifts, perfume, and...where's the chocolate I bought?"

"Oh, that was for them?"

"You ate that?"

"You can't force me not to be hungry."

"DUDE, I SPENT A CRAP-TON OF MONEY ON THAT!"

"Your loss," Rigby licked his fingers clean.

"No, Rigby. OUR loss. You owe me again, brainless."

"What? A man's gotta eat!"

"Well, at least you saved Margaret's chocolates."

"Well, yeah. In my stomach."

Mordecai set the cart in motion and the left the parking space. "Oh, I _PRAY_ you choke soon."

* * *

The Victoria'a Secret manager knocked on the door. "Dom. Open up." A lethargic officer slowly cracked the door open. Behind him, the surveillance screen were on and functional. The manager impatiently squeezed through.

"Show me the feed, E16, outside in east parking lots." The officer toggled the joystick and found Mordecai and Rigby outside of the mall.

"There they are. They're driving a golf cart — and they're off with my clothes."

"So...they're not only thieves, but they ain't street-legal, either.

"I want a squadron after them, Dom."

"Says who?"

"Says me."

"What gives you the right to tell an officer what to do, especially on Valentine's Day?"

"They shoplifted panties from my store."

"Your evidence?"

She pondered what to do with hands to her head in anxiety. "Can you show me the feed from 10 minutes ago? My shop - B7." Then it focused on the same blue jay that was picking out panties (it even showed footage of Rigby in the dressing room, which they both turned away from immediately).

"Well that's them, alright."

"Ok, I believe you now. Where do you want us to catch them?"

"Anywhere! Is that even important?"

"No, but I was hoping we could stop by Chipotle for some take-out."

"Fine, just, get me them back. And if they struggle, just detain them - I want to teach them a few manners once I've got ahold of them." She turned out of the room, then came back in the doorway.

"Oh, and if at all possible, get me the burrito bowl."


End file.
